Fight Less, Love More: Tips from Relationship Expert Laurie Puhn

Five New Year's resolutions from famed relationship expert Laurie Puhn that will help you talk more effectively with your partner - and be a better role model to your kids.

On January 1, we typically make New Year's resolutions that focus on ourselves: to eat better, exercise more, start a new hobby, or become more organized. What if, this year, you resolved to have a better relationship with your spouse and become a better role model for your children? As a Harvard-educated lawyer, couples mediator, and author of the new book Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In (Rodale, Oct. 2010), I am giving you five simple tips from my book that will work to keep peace in the family and make your love connection stronger. You might be surprised to find that I am not going to tell you to talk more, as many experts might insist; instead, I am going to show you how to use just a few minutes a day to talk better, so you get the love you want from the partner you have.

Pick the right battles.

Your mate comes home from work drenched from the rain because he forgot an umbrella. You had told him to take one that morning after you heard the weather report. Before you start criticizing him while he's soaked, ask yourself this wise question: "Does this affect me?" In this example, it doesn't. He arrived home drenched, not you. So don't pick that battle. In the future, when your mate makes a mistake, rather than using a "fight line" like "I told you to take an umbrella - you should have listened to me!" use a compassionate love line like, "You're all wet. Do you want a towel?" And, if you can't get those words out of your mouth, just say nothing.

Give a character compliment.

In researching my book, we did an online survey and found some interesting results that can help us understand how to have a better marriage. Not only do people like being complimented, but there is a specific kind of compliment that people want to receive. When we asked individuals, "Would you rather your mate compliment you for being kind or good-looking?" the result was that 84 percent of people said "kind." The lesson: Find daily opportunities to compliment your mate's character (such as his or her generosity to a friend, compassion to a relative, etc.) rather than his or her looks. Offer up character compliments to your children too. Share this research study with your family and ask them to join you in a daily compliment challenge.

Avoid premature arguments.

My clients are smart people who often have dumb arguments. One type of these unnecessary battles is so common that it threatens almost every relationship (including my own). I call it the "premature argument." Look out for those times when you and your mate get into a brawl about a decision that doesn't have to be made for weeks, months, or years, such as where to move in three years when your oldest child enters school, or where to go for Mother's Day next year. When you realize you're arguing about something prematurely, stop yourself and say, "Hey, we're having a dumb argument. Let's stop talking about this now and continue the conversation when we have more information."