What Not to Say to a Grieving Parent

When the unimaginable happens and a friend or family member looses a child, only thoughts of comfort come to mind. Sandy Peckinpah, author of How to Survive the Worst that Can Happen, shares what you should and should not say to grieving parents who have lost a child.

No one ever warned me that the unexpected could hold the most devastating loss of all. It descended on me just when I thought I had the perfect life. One day, my vibrant, beautiful, healthy 16-year-old son woke up with fever. The doctor said he had the flu. I found my son dead the next morning. The misdiagnosis turned out to be a silent killer: bacterial meningitis.

People call the death of a child “the worst that can happen,” and it is. It changes every chapter in your book of life. The steps to healing are not easy, and never linear. One day you think you’ll be okay, and the next, someone can say something that spirals you into the depths of despair. 

My message to grieving parents is this: be prepared. You’ll hear people say things that hurt in the early stages of your bereavement. These words can come from well-meaning friends, family, even the grocery store clerk, who suddenly notices you’re not coming in with your child anymore.

They struggle to find the words to make you feel better. Put aside the anger and look instead at their intention. No one wants to see you suffer. They hope their words will magically “fix” you.

Why had no one told me these things before? In my research I came across David Kessler’s website, Grief.com. He had a list of things not to say to those grieving. I stared in disbelief. I was guilty. I’d said them to others thinking I was helping. Now, as a parent who’s lost a child, I see the wounds clearly through my own tears.

If you’ve lost a child, or know someone who has, I created this list for you.

Things people should never to say to a grieving parent:

• Time heals all wounds
• I know how you feel
• He’s in a better place (or) He’s with the angels now
• At least you’re young enough to have more children (or) At least you have other children
• Some people are not meant to have a long life
• God never gives you more than you can handle
• I know your child struggled with mental illness (pain, cancer etc.) At least he is no longer suffering or in pain
• I didn’t want to bring it up because I didn’t want to remind you...

Suggested things to say: